Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Thy Will

Well, I'm still here. It's been about 2 years since my last blog post. I've been busy. No, honestly, like super busy. That, and no one reads this anyway. But with everything going on in my life right now, I figure writing it out might make me feel better.

So, where do I begin?

For the past two days, I've been listening to nothing but Air1 radio. Not really sure what put me in the mood but I just felt this tug on my heart to listen to the actual radio for a bit instead of the Sirius XM. For two days in a row, as I start to drive home from a long exhausting day at work, this song by Hillary Scott titled 'Thy Will' comes on. I don't normally cry in the car but I've come close recently.

Why this song? Why all of a sudden? Well, there's a lot going on. For the past few weeks, I have felt like everything in my life is up in the air and just out of reach.

But Jessica, you have so much going for you! Yes, I know. I can still feel off balance.

Without sounding like I'm complaining, let me give you the run down:
- For the first time in my career, I'm not happy at my job and it's scary.
- I've gained 6 pounds over the past few months (don't laugh) and I'm terrified of going back to where I was. I'm seriously having nightmares.
- I'm in a new long distance relationship. While things there are very good, there's still the uncertainty of where it's going. Plus, I have most of the people in my life questioning it. (Not cool people)
- I'm beyond scared that my melanoma is going to come back. Every time I look at my skin, I freak myself out.

So again, why is this song out of every song playing on Air1 standing out to me? Because I have no control over my life. The reason I feel that everything is out of reach is because God's holding it right above my head molding everything perfectly together for me before handing it back. I feel like the short kid who can't get the cookie jar out of the cupboard because it's too high.

It is God's Will, not my own that things are done. It is on God's time, not my own that things are taken care of and figured out. If you know me, I'm a little impatient so you can see where my struggle is coming from, right?

I want to know what to do about my job. Do I stick with it and just keep my head down or do I look for something new?
I'm working on my fitness and nutrition but nothing is happening. What do I do? Is this the new normal?
Where is my relationship going? What is the lesson of being in a long distance relationship? Do I pack up and move to a new state and just figure it out? How do I ignore the doubters?
Is my melanoma gone for good? What am I supposed to be witnessing to people about with this experience? How do I not get discouraged and be able to encourage others?

All of those questions listed above? God's Will. Thy Will Be Done!

Until Next Time,


P.S. The kitties have been fine. Fat, Spoiled, and Happy.