Monday, July 2, 2012

Let It Be

This is currently what I feel like. I feel like I've been I've been running on empty for awhile and I'm not really sure to get out of this funk. I've tried crying, I've tried talking to other people, and I've tried ignoring everything and just going about my daily life. So, what's got me all worked up?

Grad School

Dun Dun Dun! Yes, believe it or not, grad school is stressful. And the worst part is that the people that I talk to the most have no idea what I'm going through. Sure, they may be in school or have gone through a program, but they aren't in my program and they don't understand the overwhelming disappointment I feel in myself when I don't do well on something I think I should have or the anxiety I feel when I speak up in class and then NO ONE has a follow up. I feel like I said something that just didn't make sense at all and made myself look like an idiot. Am I an idiot? Of course not! I know that. I'm obviously smart enough to be in grad school. But it's the having to go through the same anxiety I did in High School and in my Undergrad. That constant feeling that everyone else is judging me and if I don't perform just right, I'm written of as not knowing anything. 

So, what to do? Do I continue to fight the anxiety and participate in class or do I keep my mouth shut, not say anything and just risk not getting all of the participation points?

I'm half way through this program so I know it will be over soon. But I still have another 9 months to go.


Now, let me say this first. I absolutely love my job. I am thankful that I get to do what I love everyday. Do I get frustrated at times? Who doesn't! Do I do a lot more than I get paid for. HECK yes! Even my supervisor said he wished he could pay me more. However, the California education system sucks balls right now so I get to live pay check to paycheck.

What I do not love is the fact that I recently had a situation at work where my job satisfaction was called into question. What did that result in? Being called into my supervisors office so that they could have a talk with me about it. WTF?! Seriously?! If you were to come into my office, I am the most upbeat, helpful, and knowledgeable person. I consistently go above and beyond my job description to serve the students, staff, and faculty that come into my office.

I honestly cannot go into much detail because it may be interpreted the wrong way or it may seem that I don't like my job. But I will be extremely selective in what I know talk about since people can't be trusted.


This is one issue that is always with me. Currently, well, as of this morning anyway, I weigh in at 382 pounds. this means that I have gained 132 pounds since I graduated High School in 2005. Is this my own fault? Yes. I am not  naive to think that my weight gain is just some genetic fluke.

As I've stated before, I'm waiting on insurance approval to have gastric bypass surgery. This would drastically reduce the amount of food and the kind of food that I can eat. And again, I did not come to this decision easily. I've fought my hardest to lose weight on my own only to flat line after losing a few pounds.

Even though I will still have surgery, I haven't given up on trying to lose as much as I can. The hardest part is not seeing results right away. I have a bunch of friends are working on losing weight themselves and are seeing MASSIVE results.I am so proud of my friends who have been seeing result and hitting goals but I selfishly have to say that it makes me feel worse about myself. And feeling bad about myself over the results my friends are seeing makes me feel like a huge jerk.

I have huge image issues. I'm constantly self conscious about the way I look. I don't like being in front of groups because of the way my body looks, I don't like to speak up that often because then people look at me. Sure, I may sit in the front of the class, but I am constantly worrying about what people sitting behind me may be saying, or thinking just based on what they see. Even in high school I felt this way. I was also bullied to an extreme in high school. Being in band didn't help. I was teased not only behind my back but to my face. The people who I spent the most amount of time with in high school were the ones that bullied me the most. I could've quit band but I loved playing so much that I had to deal with it.

Unfortunately we live in a society where image rules.We are defined by the clothes we wear, the make-up we wear, the way our bodies are shaped, and by how tan our skin is. It's extremely difficult for me to leave my apartment on a daily basis knowing I don't fit this mold. I honestly don't want to fit to mold. What I do want is to feel comfortable with the way I look. I don't need to be skinny. I don't even need to be in single digit sized clothing. I want to be healthy. If healthy for me isn't society's ideal, then screw society......and if it were that easy to take my own advice, I wouldn't be writing this.


So, what do I do? What does all this ranting that will get 5 or 6 views and no comments mean? I have no idea. I just know that there was stuff that I needed to get out. There was stuff that while I don't feel comfortable with people knowing, people should know because it's apart of me. I need to learn to let things go and to accept what I cannot change

It is going to take me so long to get to a point where I can go out in public and just strut my stuff without having to worry if the girl few feet away is laughing at me with her friends or if it was just a joke. Or if the good looking guys at a near by table are checking me out because I'm looking fabulous or because they're making jokes about the fat chick who shouldn't be in the restaurant.

I guess I just have to Let It Be.

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